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A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but , unfortunately , the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalized.

When his young wife came to see him , the old man said , "Sweetheart , your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250 , 000 a year , my home in Palm Springs , my ranch in Texas , my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."

"Oh , sweetheart , please don't talk that way , " his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go , I'll be devastated. Oh , there must be something I can do to help you. Please... tell me what I can do?"

"Well , " the old man gasped , "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."

A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the resident doctors.

Walking down the dismal , echoing corridors , the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms.

"I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls , " he told the doctor.

The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window. "This is a sad case , " said the doctor.

The patient rocked back and forth on her cot , sobbing and sighing. "Peter , " she repeated over and over. "Oh , Peter!"

"She was to marry a man named Peter , " said the doctor. "And on their wedding day he ran off with another woman. It broke her heart and she went mad."

They moved on to another door and looked in. Inside the patient was bound in a straightjacket , shrieking insanely , "Peter! Peter!"

"Let me guess , " said the minister. "She lost Peter also." "No , " answered the man. "She's the one that got him!"

There was a man who had worked all his life , saved all his money , and was a real miser.

Just before he died he said to his wife , "When I die I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me , I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all his money in the casket with him.

Well he died. He was stretched out in the casket , his wife was sitting there in black and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony just before they were ready to close the casket the wife say , "Wait a minute!"

She had a box with her and she came over with the box and put it in the casket. The undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. Her friend said , "Girl , I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?" The loyal wife replied , "Listen I'm a Christian I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put the money in with him."

"You mean to tell me that you put all that money in the casket!"

"I sure did , " said the wife , "I got it all together , put it into my account and wrote a cheque , if he can cash it he can spend it.

A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the housemaid.

She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.

One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room , switched off all the lights and , in pitch darkness , slipped into the bed.

Sure enough at midnight , there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her...

After a few passionate kisses , the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked , "Surprised?"

"I sure am , ma'am!" stammered the chauffeur.

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise , then later question each one on the other's behavior.

When his wife returned , he asked her about the people on the trip in general , then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She flirted with nearly every man on the ship , " his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a real lady , " his mistress said.

"How so?" the encouraged man asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court , taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support.

The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that , considering her record , he was forced to impose a jail term.

"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. There were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"

The woman agreed.

"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."

The husband jumped to his feet , addressing the judge , "Your honor , may I approach the bench?"

"Well , " said his honor , "this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."

The husband wasted no time getting there and , leaning forward , he said in a low voice , "She also stole a can of peas."

A man decided to change his life and for a start he took up the easiest - drinking. He got so drunk with whisky and his breath had such a foul stench as if a whole herd of mammoths had spent the night in his mouth.

It felt good to be blind drunk , but the time came for him to go home and his wife was quite quick-tempered. She always knew when he was drunk even if he was three blocks away from their house and did not let him in.

This is why the drunken man decided to use his cunning and break in the house. He rang the bell for a long time and an angry voice hissed from within:

"Who is it?"

The man leaned on the door and said tenderly:

"I bring roses for the most beautiful woman in the world."

Upon hearing that his wife was so moved that decided to open the door. She opened it and took a close look at her husband. Imagine her surprise when she saw neither roses , nor hyacinths in his hands.

"Where are the roses for the most beautiful woman in the world , you bastard? , " the woman roared.

The man slouched towards her and murmured , "And where is the most beautiful woman in the world?"

An attorney was asked to make a contribution to a worthwhile charity.
His response was , "I guess you hadn't heard , my mother is suffering from a terminal illness and she has medical bills which far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled combat veteran. He is not only blind , but is in a wheelchair and he has to take ten different medicines a day. My sister is the only parent of three children since her husband died without life insurance. She has no college and scrubs floors for a living. My wife is in a mental ward , and may never get out. My only child was in a drug rehabilitation program , but he left and no one can find him."
Before he could get his breath and continue on , the fundraiser thought it wisest to end this and let the poor man alone.
"You are correct , sir. I had no idea of your problems. Of course we can't expect you to make a contribution with so many demands already on your income."
The attorney nods and replies , "Exactly , why should I contribute to your organization when I don't even give a single penny to my own family?"

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying , "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration , he finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away , he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral , the deceased lawyer's wife , up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

"Oh , that old fool , " she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.

"For example." he said , "when I entered my chambers today , I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left it in on my nightstand in my bedroom."

When the judge returned home that evening , his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn`t sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"

"What?" said the judge , "I didn't send anyone for my watch , let alone three people. What did you do?"
"I gave it to the first one , " said the wife , "he knew exactly where it was , "

So , wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks , "Boy , I`m in deep trouble now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by , and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap , the dog exclaims loudly , "Man , that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride , as a look of terror comes over him , and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew" , says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile , a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree , figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So , off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed , and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard , spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says , "Here monkey , hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back , and thinks , "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running , the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn`t seen them yet.

And just when they get close enough to hear , the dog says , "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard , and he's still not back!!"

A man gets on a plane with his dog.
"You can't bring a dog on this plane" , says the stewardess!
"But this dog is special , " says the passenger , "he's a sniffer dog."
"Prove it" , says the stewardess.
The man clicks his fingers and the dog runs off down the plane. After a minute , the dog reappears , jumps on his lap , and licks his left cheek.
"What's that mean?" says the stewardess.
"It means there's drugs on board." says the man.
"What else can he do?"
The man clicks his fingers & the dog runs off again.
He reappears , & jumps up and licks his right cheek.
"What's that mean?" says the stewardess.
"It means there's a gun aboard , " says the man.
"Oh dear!" says the stewardess. That's a bit more serious. "Can he do anything else?"
The man sends the dog off again. This time , he comes Racing back , jumps up onto his seat , and craps all over the place "What ever does that mean?" says the stewardess.
The man nervously replies , "Sniffer just found a bomb..."

A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the bar table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table.

This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog.

Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players , calling , raising , discarding , everything the other human players were doing.

However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog , they just treated him like any other player.

Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players , "I can't believe that dog is playing poker , he must be the smartest dog in the world!"
The player smiled and said , "He isn't that smart , every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever , so he takes the dirty , chewed-up rabbit into the house , gives it a bath , blow-dries its fur , and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor`s house , hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later , the neighbor is outside and asks the guy , "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says , "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"
The neighbor replies , "We just found him dead in his cage one day , but the Weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up , gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

A woman walks into a pet shop hoping to find the right pet. She wonders around for a while and she stumbles on to this big ass parrot in this huge cage.

She checks it out for a minute and notices that the parrot has two strings hanging down. On the right foot is a red string and on the left foot is a yellow string. She calls the pet shop manager over and asks him what the strings mean.

He say's , "Well madam , if you pull the red string he will sing a hymn and if you pull the yellow string he will say a prayer."

So the woman thinks out loud , "What would happen if I pulled both strings at the same time?"

The parrots eyes got real big and he looked at her and screamed out , "I'd fall on my ass you silly bitch!"