Jokes



Mistake by doctor
A man came into the Emergency Room and yelled, "My wife is going To have her baby in the cab!" The doctor grabbed his stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly he noticed that there were several cabs, and he was in the wrong one..... More
Category : Doctor Jokes

Billing by lawyer
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item: "Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00.".... More
Category : Lawyer Jokes

A good start
Q. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A. A good start!.... More
Category : Lawyer Jokes

Golf on island
A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the island. She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he answers. She reaches over, unzips ...... More
Category : Sports Jokes

Secret of happiness
Q. Why were Adam and Eve so happy? A. Because neither of them had in-laws!.... More
Category : Marriage Jokes

Immunity to disease
Q: Why are blonde's immune to Mad Cow Disease? A: It only affects the brain..... More
Category : Blonde Jokes

Just one wife
Every man needs a beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife. But it's sad that law allows only one wife..... More
Category : Marriage Jokes

Marriage and suffering
Q. What is the difference between love marriage and an arranged marriage? A. 1st one is a perfect suicide..The next one is an arranged murder!.... More
Category : Marriage Jokes

Father and husband
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings..... More
Category : Marriage Jokes

Worries about future
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!.... More
Category : Marriage Jokes

Living longer
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die also!.... More
Category : Marriage Jokes

Obedient men
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?" "Not at all, Ma'am, the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying ...... More
Category : Marriage Jokes

Name game
A gentleman spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answered. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, an...... More
Category : Bar Jokes

Will do anything
An older gentleman is sitting in a bar when a beautiful young woman walks up to him and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks." He immediately puts his drink down and begins frantically going through his pockets. He pulls out a cumbled up ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house.".... More
Category : Bar Jokes

Box office
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while our captain, Rachel Cole and crew take you safely to your destination." Tim, sitting in the 8th row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I better...... More
Category : Women Jokes

General at work
Allan retired in his early 50's and started a second career. However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker and really sharp, so his boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day, his boss called him into the office for a talk. "Allan, I must tell you, I truly...... More
Category : At Work Jokes

No one listens to me
What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say. Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?.... More
Category : Doctor Jokes

Same model
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care." "Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.".... More
Category : Doctor Jokes

Secret to a married life
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up..... More
Category : Marriage Jokes

What I did
Q. You know what I did before I married? A. Anything I wanted to..... More
Category : Marriage Jokes

Selling brains
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains. "How much does it cost for engineer brain?" "Three dollars an ounce." "How much does it cost for programmer brain?" &qu...... More
Category : Lawyer Jokes

In jail without money
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money." And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime..... More
Category : Lawyer Jokes

Shooting lawyer
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice..... More
Category : Lawyer Jokes

Bath for beauty
An older blonde woman heard through a friend that taking a milk bath is good for the skin, will cure stretch marks and make her beautiful again. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk instead of the usual amount..... More
Category : Blonde Jokes

Shoes from alligator
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of s...... More
Category : Blonde Jokes

Impact of drugs
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instea...... More
Category : Doctor Jokes

Security proof
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman ...... More

Like father
Untitled Document The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?".... More
Category : Women Jokes

Fisherman
Untitled Document Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in yo...... More
Category : Sports Jokes

Dead bird
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning. Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly. The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?".... More
Category : Blonde Jokes

Another father
A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blonde guy turned to his wife and angrily said, All right, whos the other father?.... More
Category : Blonde Jokes

From Lesbia
A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, "Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian." The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, "So which part of Lesbia are you from?".... More
Category : Blonde Jokes

Toy train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the track...... More

Need for samples
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?" "What did he say? What's he want?" His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear.".... More
Category : Doctor Jokes

Not a nice guy
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. T...... More
Category : Bar Jokes

Moving lips of lawyer
How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie? His lips start moving..... More
Category : Lawyer Jokes

Watching dog
Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?" Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from.".... More
Category : Animal Jokes

Happy to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I w...... More
Category : Bar Jokes

Why did the woman cross the road?
Why did the women cross the road?Well thats not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!.... More
Category : Women Jokes

Stick your tongue out...
Stick your tongue out.Move it up and down.Relax.Now move it left and right.Well done! You have now completed Christopher Reeves workout video..... More

What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?
What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning? -Sends him to work..... More

The Chair
A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think you are the best teacher Ive ever had." The chair immediately dumped her on the floor. After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat ...... More

His miracle drinks!
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, s...... More

Elmo
What was the last thing they gave to Elmo before he left the factory?2 testtickles!.... More

Car Dimmer Switch Modification
STATE OF CALIFORNIADEPARTMENT OF INSURANCE 1700 "J" STREETSACRAMENTO, CA 95368PETE WILSON HARRY WALBRATHGOVERNOR DIRECTORBULLETIN NUMBER 95-2374DATE: OCTOBER 20, 1995TO: ALL CALIFORNIA INSURANCE AGENCIESALL CALIFORNIA DEALERS OF NEW/USED AUTOMOBILESFROM: CALIFORNIA DEPARTMENT OF INSURANCESUBJ: AUTOMOTIVE VEHICLE HEADLAMP DIMMER SWITCH1. Pursuant to the California Department of Motor Vehicles Act N...... More

New Drug
Did you here about the pharmaceutical company?They developed a new drug that, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent and become a nun.The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming..... More

The Wishing Well
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made awish and threw in a penny.The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much,fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a whilebut then smiled and said..."Cool!...It really works"!.... More

Skeleton Joke
A Skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a beer... and a mop..... More

Jewish Girl
Q. How can you tell when a Jewish girl has an orgasm?A. She drops her nail file..... More

Strong Britain
-What makes Britain so strong? -Its the two-party system. One bigparty on every friday and another big party on every saturday.... More

Orange Juice
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice? A. Beacause it said"concentrate!".... More

Monica Lewinsky and a change machine?
Why are Monica Lewinsky and a change machine alike?They both say..."insert Bill here!".... More

Stand up nuts!
The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a wellbehaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager ofthe club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Directorsaid: "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you letthem in?" The General Director agreed.The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Directorshouted: "Stand up, nuts!" E...... More

The grasshopper joke!
So this grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Hey! Your a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!".The grasshopper says "Oh yeah? You have a drink named Leonard?!"..... More

Fish
Q: Why are fish in the sea smarter than animals on land.A: Because they travel in schools..... More

The Flashlight
Why did the little girl bury her flashlight?Because the batteries died..... More

What Do You Get When...
Q: What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute?A: A little fucker about so tall..... More

Wet Shift
How do you know when a nymphomaniac drove your car?The gear shift is wet!!.... More

Horses
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says... "Why the longface?".... More

Hillary and...
Q: What does Hillary Clinton and Tampons have in common?A: "They are both stuck-up cunts!".... More






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